Brick-by-Brick: Carving Out a Space Just for Me
You're welcome too sometimes.
There is a small glass dish of coffee grounds precariously placed on the edge of the kitchen counter. There is a vase of flowers on the stovetop. My bike is parked in my living room. My bedroom has a single nightstand. None of my closets has doors. There is one coaster in the living room. My plants are littered throughout my apartment: on the floor, on windowsills, on what little countertop space there is. The cart in the corner is filled with yarn. I’ve created a space that is entirely my own.
Until someone comes to visit. They bump their head on the bathroom’s slanted ceiling. He knocks the coffee grounds off the counter. She needs a place to put her drink beside mine. I have three plates, and we use them all in one night and have to clean them for dessert. There are books stacked on every surface outside the kitchen and bathroom (I’m not a monster); only when someone comes over do I wonder where all the space has gone.
I like my apartment this way. It’s a small apartment meant for one person, and it’s mine.
There’s calm in this small apartment, catered entirely to me and me alone. When the wind blew my window screen in and knocked over two plants, I wasn’t worried. All I had to do was clean it up. Luckily, nothing broke. I lost only some cactus soil, which is replaceable. The plants are thriving, and I was forced to vacuum my house, something I needed to do anyway after unpacking from my camping trip. I didn’t want to vacuum while making dinner, but I did, and then the vacuuming was done!
There is peace in this small apartment. When I get home from work, I can immediately begin making dinner and know that nothing else has to be done, no one else needs anything from me. I certainly want a dog, but when I remember the peaceful evenings where I can only just muster the energy to feed myself, I remember why I don’t have one.
There is security in this small apartment. When I am dropped off in the middle of the afternoon and can do nothing more to support the person who is headed to a funeral, I can change into my pajamas at 2:30 in the afternoon, turn on Gilmore Girls, and take a nap. There are no expectations. And when I wake from that nap with a little more energy, I can order pizza, knit some socks, and apply for health insurance late into the night. I am alone, but I am alone with myself.
There are days when this space that is mine feels vast. A small 700-something square foot apartment can feel vast when you are directionless, when a Saturday morning seems to stretch on for hours. There are evenings when I wish someone were already making dinner when I got home. There are afternoons when I crave at least a dog, if not a human, to go on a walk with. But then I call a friend. Someone comes over for a drink after work. Someone else invites me out to lunch. Someone suggests a hike or a movie or donuts. And then I return to my space and simply exist.
It has taken four months for me to move in, and I still have some work to do, but it’s finally starting to feel like a home. Now I just have to live in this space until it feels like my home and mine alone.
Weekly R.E.P.O.R.T.
Reading: The Girl from the Sea by Molly Knox Ostertag
Eating: Chicken and broccoli
A weirdly simple new favorite. By adding different sauces to the chicken, it feels like a new meal every time.
Playing: Andor
I binged the first season last week, and now I’ve started the second.
Obsessing: The Beaches
They’re going on tour soon and there’s a new album in August and I can’t get enough.
Recommending: Write down the food you like.
This week at work, we were asked to fill out our favorite breakfast, snack, and lunch food, and not a single one of us could remember what food exists in the world. There’s got to be a way to keep a list of recipes, foods, snacks, etc. on your phone or fridge or something for just these occasions. Like, what do I want for my birthday dinner? How do I know what food I’ve ever liked ever?
Treating: Trader Joe’s snacks!
This week, I stocked up, and my snack shelf is full again! Huzzah!
That’s all she wrote…
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I very much relate to this. ❤️ I'm glad you're making your space your own.